This idea - such as it is, has been bugging me for days now. I have no more of an idea where to take it now than when I first thought of it. So, here's the deal - a challenge - I've supplied the first chapter - you supply the rest - or even just chapter two?

Anyone willing to take up this challenge? Please!?

See to Sirius' 'little problem' - make Remus' dreams come true, or not, it's your choice. Find someone to make Severus happy, pair off Jacob with someone 'suitable' find Madeline's true use in this world - Maddy versus Volde - my money's on Maddy (OC's explained in chapter one below:) Or just move the plot along a bit? Fill in the background to Sev's time while pregnant:)

Four little words.

(Chapter one)
By Shamenka

How he had managed to wrench his back on the first night of that month's transformation would no doubt forever be a complete mystery. No matter what he had done to himself he was stuck there, in the infirmary, until Poppy deemed him recovered enough to be released. Now he had to rely on Sirius' rather idiosyncratic method of telling him what was going on. There was a lot of new staff members this year, himself and Sirius were just two of them. And Sirius had only growled something about them being late when he asked him about the other two new staff members.

The door to the ward opened and a red coloured lump dashed in and headed straight for Poppy's office, as the blood bedecked figure dashed past him Remus realised that it was Sirius with a somewhat spectacularly bloody nose. The werewolf smirked at the passing figure and bet himself a fortune that Snape had belted the animagus for some reason. Sirius had never learned that it was best if you just left Severus alone. Like he did; you never pushed beyond Severus' exceedingly tight limits, which tended to mean not at all.

A few minutes later Sirius came back out, still blood stained but with a repaired nose with an interesting new kink in the end of it. Maybe that would teach him to keep it out of Severus' life? Though Remus doubted anything could teach his friend that much common sense.

"So, what did you do, or say, to Severus this time?" Remus didn't even pretend sympathy towards his blood stained friend.

"Wasn't Severus, for which I am to consider myself lucky! According to Albus, that is!" Sirius sat on the edge of Remus' bed and caused the mattress to twist, hurting his back. He only stood back up as Remus winced in renewed agony. "Sorry, forgot!" Sirius dragged over a chair and sat on that instead. "That's just one more stupid thing I did today, Merlin's beard I wish I could start today over again!"

"Why? What did you do, or say, that earned you a trip here anyway? And to whom did you do, or say it?" Remus laughed at the shocked look on his friend's face. "Oh, come off it, Padfoot, your mouth is usually enough to get your nose in this much trouble!" his smile became an outright laugh as Sirius tried to look affronted.

"The other two teachers finally arrived last night and I met them this morning and only managed half a minute before getting my face belted. You have to get out of here, Moony, I'm not cut out for guarding my own tongue, I need you as my keeper, been your pet dog for too long I guess" Sirius smiled, lopsidedly, looking as hang dog as he could manage.

"So, tell all, how did you only manage half a minute before getting belted right on the nose like that? Who, or what, are the new teachers? How on earth did you manage to offend them so royally anyway?" Remus struggled into a slightly more comfortable, almost sitting position.

"We now have the devine honour of sharing our lives with not just one member of the Snape family... but, get this... three of the greasy bastards..." Sirius' tirade was cut off by Remus' shocked squeal and then his angry retort.

"If that's how you greeted a complete stranger I'm not surprised he, or she, belted you one. Personally, I'd lift you up and let them try again... harder! Merlin's teeth, Sirius, can't you even try to act like a grown up? Severus Snape has far greater cause to hate both of us than we do him! And all you can do is add to the never ending fire!"

"Moony!" Sirius shouted his friend's pet name to get some degree of attention from the irate man in the bed. "I know, I do know, trust me, I do! I look at him and remember all the great laughs we had at his expense, then Harry asks me what started it all and I can't tell him, so I get angered by my own embarrassment and strike out; at Snape yet again!" Sirius slumped his shoulders, almost folding in on himself, the very epitome of dejection.

"And this led to your bloody nose how exactly?"

"The two new teachers are Professor Madeline Snape and newly almost-qualified teaching trainee Jacob Snape hot from University and ready for his two year tutor placement. I walked into the great hall for breakfast and Albus immediately introduced the to me. I heard the kid, Jacob, mention looking forward to working with his dad and so I turned to the other Snape and..." Sirius blushed and looked at his hands.

"And you what? What did you say?" Remus was trying to recover from the shock of learning that Severus had a son old enough to be working with them, and his mind filling with might-be and what-ifs.

"I said that it wasn't really any surprise to anyone that the only woman Snape could ever get to fuck him would have to be old enough to be utterly desperate enough to fuck anyone..."

"What!!??" Remus prayed that his ears were deceiving him, he truly did hope Sirius hadn't been that rude to someone he didn't even know.

"Turned out she was his mum, and she has one wicked right hook! Albus was bending over himself to apologise and said I should be grateful it wasn't Severus that hit me and then he sent me up here to Poppy. I guess I'd better hold out here for a while, let the air settle as it were?" Sirius' hopes of a quiet hideout were dashed when the ward doors were almost thrown off their hinges and a more than irate Severus Snape swoop in like a great predator ready to make the kill.

"You utter bastard!" Severus didn't shout, he was far too angry for shouting. He grabbed Sirius by the throat and lifted him to his feet. "Hermaphroditus permanence!" he didn't use a wand, Remus noticed that right away, Severus Snape changed Sirius Black's gender, permanently, at least until he changed hi... her back, and he didn't use a wand. "Now that you're a proper bitch, maybe I should fuck you and let you know what a real man is like? Wouldn't you like that? Bitch!" Severus shook the struggling form in his hand and snarled at him.. her, again. "So, for the record, you stay away from my family. My mother, and my son... and me! That goes for wolf-boy too! Both of you stay right away from us, and maybe you'll survive!" Severus dropped Sirius and stepped away, finally drawing his wand and pointing it at the now gasping animagus, with a flick of a wrist and a quietly muttered charm Sirius was stripped naked for all the world to see.

"Severus Snape, that is enough!" An older, female, voice Remus didn't know spoke from behind the irate wizard. "Here, cover yourself, you bloody fool!" She handed Sirius the over robe from off her own back and shrank it to fit Sirius' new form.

"Good one dad!" yet another new voice chimed in.

"Good? What's good about that? That was pure Slytherin evil..." That desperate voice was Harry's. Harry had finally been allowed to live with his finally cleared of all guilt godfather. Which explained his being at Hogwarts before term actually started, now that Sirius was going to be the History of Magic teacher, owing to someone exorcising Binns at the end of the last term. As far as Harry cared, his godfather could do no wrong, and Snape could do no right... even when, as in this occasion, Sirius was clearly in the wrong, and despite the sheer number of times it was Severus Snape saving his backside, not his godfather. Not that anyone ever listened to Remus' view of things either.

"What's good is he didn't just outright kill the bastard. I would have! He debased my dad, and my gran's personal reputation, and you want what to happen? He gets a fuckin' medal? What would you have done if he'd said your dad was also your uncle or something?" That had to be Severus' son, Jacob.

Remus couldn't take his eyes off the young man, he looked to be in his late teens or early twenties. He was old enough to be his greatest regret... could he be?

"How old are you, Jacob isn't it?" Remus' voice trembled in anticipation, and not a little degree of fear, at the lad's answer.

"What?" the lad looked utterly perplexed at the total non sequitur the bloke in the bed asked him.

"That...." Severus pointed at Remus, his voice dripping with utter disdain, "is Remus Lupin." As if that answered all the lad's questions, and judging by the look of hate that flitted across Jacob's face, it did answer every possible question he could have.

"My age is none of your business, but, if you really must know, I was born February 1979. And any and all contact between us will be governed by your wonderful choice of words uttered in connection to my existence!" Jacob Snape turned his back on the prone man and faced his dad once more. "If you're through playing with it," he pointed at Sirius, "can we go get on with breakfast now? Please, dad, I'm hungry!" he tried pouting, all that got him was a warm chuckle from his dad and gentle cuff round the back of the head from his gran.

"Always thinking with his stomach!" his gran replied. "Now, Severus, turn the idiot back and let's get on with preparing for the upcoming school year!"

"Oh, we can get on with that all right, only, I'm not really ready to change it back any time soon!" Severus stepped away from them all, one arm now around his son's shoulders. "How about a fly around the Quidditch field after breakfast?"

"Sounds good to me, dad!" Jacob Snape put a hand up on his dad's shoulder, they were obviously close to each other.

Harry Potter looked on with jealousy, even a Snape could be loved by his dad and his dad had had to die, so long ago, and in such a pointless way!

"Severus Anthony Snape!" Severus' mother clearly announced each individual name.

"Oh... full name treatment, gran sure is pissed with you, dad!" Severus glared at his son for swearing. "Oops, pardon my French!"

"Stop swearing, if you wish to become a teacher you are going to have to control your language better than that!" Severus didn't look at his mother, just his son.

"How about... well, father dearest, I do believe grandmother is a tad put out with you?"

"Now that's much better!" Severus smiled at his son and turned to look at his mother, looking not a whit contrite for any of his actions.

"Turn him back!" Madeline Snape repeated.

"That, mother dearest, is Sirius Black." Severus pointed at the now female form of his worst tormentor. "And that, as previously mentioned, is Remus Lupin, the werewolf he tried to feed me to! Amongst other trials and tribulations they put me under."

"Oh, that's different then!" Madeline looked at the trembling form that had been a rather vulgar young man earlier that morning and lifted her chin on one finger. "One thing, my dear, that none of us ever understood... perhaps you'd care to enlighten me, but, what was it that Severus did to you that caused you to give him so much grief?"

Sirius looked fleetingly at the older woman's eyes, she had been entirely sympathetic to him, until she found out who she... he was, then his past came back to bite him on his arse yet again! And this time he would have to tell the truth, tell Harry just how pathetic his godfather truly was.

"He did nothing, he was too shy, the perfect victim, we could do what we wanted to him and he didn't complain to anyone but his head of house. Took him years to begin to fight back, and he was always the one that ended up in the shit whether he was in the wrong or not. Well, since his head of house was actually a Gryffindor, he got no sympathy whatsoever... Even after that stupid deal with the shack, and yes, I freely admit that I was utterly stupid and responsible for all of that, neither James nor Remus knew about it... I was telling Peter what I'd done, my ultimate prank, and Lily overheard us. She was the one that told James, he ran off and saved Severus... and Remus.. and..."

"And Albus Dumbledore let you off scot free! Oh well, what can you expect from a Gryffindor!" Madeline Snape sneered, very reminiscent of her son's most favoured facial expression. "Little wonder Severus refused point blank to have Jacob's name put down for this hell hole..." she saw the shocked look on Albus' face. "Well it is, always has been, if you're Slytherin! When Severus came home we agreed with him, no more Snapes being sent to Hogwarts, ever! And, remarkably enough, not a single one has been educated here. All of my grandchildren have been educated at the Henge School in Glastonbury." She looked at Sirius once more. "Sorry, but it looks like you're going to have to get used to being female!" She let the trembling animagus go, she didn't even watch Sirius crumple on the floor, and just ushered her family out of the ward.

Albus and Harry rushed to help Sirius up and on to a chair from where she had collapsed when Severus' mother had released her.

"What was so important about Snape's son's birthday? I don't get that, or him saying something about your words to him? Do you know him, Remus?" Harry looked at his godfather's closest surviving friend.

"February 1979, take it back nine months and you have May/June 1978. Our last weeks here, before we all left forever, adults, or so we fooled ourselves. James' last prank was to spoil the potion Severus and I were working on just prior to the NEWTS, and he did a bloody good job on spoiling it. It blew up, covered Severus head to foot, only James had changed it too much with his tampering. Anyway, Severus and I were brought up here where he, Severus, was diagnosed as now being pregnant with my child. Obviously he didn't listen to my last ever words between us until your third year, Harry. I said only four words, and I thought he had, and I've regretted them ever since. I looked at him with utter disgust and said 'get rid of it' and stormed out, riding high on my high horse. Oh, I was so sure I'd marry and have loads of kids, only that never happened. I left here and had no life whatsoever! I later found out that I was sterile, that I can't father kids anyway other than through such potions as James covered Severus in, and my only child had been aborted years before, or so I thought. Not that anyone ever actually wanted a relationship with a werewolf. So, I thought I remained childless. But, Severus didn't abort him. Isn't he a fine looking young man? Jacob: I like that name!"

"I don't think he likes you anymore than Severus likes me!" A softly feminine voice whispered at him, crumbling a briefly held daydream of finally being able to be a real father.

"Or even Madeline likes any of us at Hogwarts! If she wasn't the very best at what she teaches I might be forced to find a new teacher for Muggle Studies! I can't believe how bitter she is towards us!" Albus sat down on the bed beside Remus' and covered his face with both hands. "In truth, I suppose I can fully understand her attitude." He looked at the now female Sirius and the still bedridden Remus, "Was that all there ever was to your torment of Severus? That he didn't fight back?"

Sirius nodded and dropped her eyes back to her lap, hands folded calmly on her borrowed robe.

"Little wonder he hates me then. My dad made him pregnant with a werewolf's kid and that after years of picking on him just because he was quiet. Well, he certainly isn't quiet and shy now, non of the Slytherins are!" Harry glared at Sirius' bowed head, and flick his eyes to briefly take in Remus' shocked face. "Do you think that's why he favours his house so much? Making them so bloody arrogant and confident in themselves?"

"And if he does, could you blame him?" Albus asked.

"Not really, no." Harry looked at the despondent group of Gryffindor's "So, what happens now? About Jacob being Remus' kid and Sirius being a damned good looking woman... oh!" Harry blushed at his choice of words and shut up.

"I honestly don't know." Albus then looked utterly shocked. "Heavens, what on earth do we tell Minerva?"

"Does she have to know?" Remus asked.

"She's my deputy, of course she does. I hope she avoids the Snapes long enough for me to come up with a good explanation..."

"Albus!" Minerva's angered voice echoed up the hallway.

"Just for once... you might try the truth!" Harry pointed out as he slipped out the ward leaving them to their fate. "I wonder if Professor Snape would let me fly with him and his son?" Harry ran along the hallway, passing Minerva as he went. "Morning Professor McGonagall, have you seen the Professors Snape?"

"Great hall, a couple of minutes ago!" Minerva walked past the boy and towards yet another confrontation with the adults beyond.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

the rest is up to you!

bfn
Shamenka